i am not ready to see you again
i am hovering over my life, looking down and watching the future unfold, and i do not like the direction it is taking. can i reach my hands down and move myself, like a doll in a dollhouse, to a more advantageous location?
this started out like a fairytale and i am ashamed to admit that i wanted it to have a fairytale ending, but the truth is that it really doesn't exist. communication issues, fighting over finances, the stress of living together, never getting to truly be alone, feeling like the evil stepmother to the dog of yours that i really don't like, feeling guilty about not liking said dog, constantly feeling like the responsible one, the wife taking care of all the chores and trying to keep us intact, trying to envision a future when you are constantly tearing it down with your irresponsible choices.
i feel so trapped. by you, by my job, by this island, by my inability to heal.
the catch in her voice today, the shadow of the tears in her eyes while we halfheartedly joked about how depressed we are... the feeling hanging in the room that we both wanted to let go and just sob but couldn't bring ourselves to because we haven't been able to cry in front of people without alcohol since dax died.
this colors all of my interactions. we are all walking around in paper costumes trying not to drown each other but we are drowning alone behind them.
why can't i move on from this? i miss you every day. i am still sorry. i am still horrified and shocked that you died so young, so soon, with no warning whatsoever. that a heart could stop in the body of a 21 year old. i am still blindsided by it constantly. i see people who look like you... but never really like you because no one looked like you and it just reminds me of exactly how gone you are. i am still heartbroken. i don't know how to resolve the guilt i feel about everything that happened between us. that one drunk apology in the rain can never and will never be enough. we are so fractured without you.
everything that happened when i was young haunts me, everything that happened in college haunts me, everything that happened after you died and with a. and in the james bay house... every loss, every hurt, every moment that felt like healing but wasn't enough... i am stuck in myself. i can't make any decisions about what to do with the rest of my life because i am so fucking bruised by everything else.
is there a way out of this? will i ever find it?