the little box we call home is quiet tonight. you are asleep already, i am surrounded by the hum of my work computer in the corner and the low purring of our cats. outside the city lights glow through evening mist, the rain falling off and on.
we are so surrounded by love.
i feel you sleeping in the other room and i think about the softness of your steady breathing, the curve of your eyelashes against your cheek, the way it feels to curve my hand behind your neck, thumb resting against your jawline. the way it feels to kiss you, like no one else i have kissed before, a slow heat moving down my back and a warmth like coming home, standing in front of the fire on a winter night.
loving you is the easiest thing, but it has been so hard to allow myself to do it. letting you love me was even harder. i am always running too far ahead of myself, worrying about what comes next, and i miss the beautiful moments in between.
thank you for teaching me how to slow down. to be patient and let things be as they are right now.
all of the lessons i have learned from love brought me here to this moment.
learn to watch for the different ways people show you their love. never take them for granted or resent people for not giving you the love you think you want. everyone gives you something you need; this is why we find each other.
love shifts, endlessly. with every person you meet, the landscape of the love you share will change. sometimes earthquakes will tear it apart, sometimes wind will change its shape, sometimes ocean waves will smooth it over and make it whole again. hold no bitterness in your heart for these changes, because they will happen whether you hate them for it or not and it will always be easier on your heart to accept the fluidity of all things.
let go of the need to control that which is not within you.
none of this is easy. none of it will be handed to you. you will always have to fight your way through the woods and it will always be worth it.
your hands are full of love. your heart is full of love. hold them open like bowls of flowers to the wind.
sometimes you will want to pretend you didn't love, you will want to pull the words back into your mouth and swallow them whole. you will be too proud to admit that you loved someone who hurt you. remember that this kind of inauthenticity will hurt you, because you will forget how to love those who deserve it when you are too proud to admit that you can love through the hurt.
you will learn to love yourself enough to know when to walk away.
love does not care what you look like. love will love you with your hair in a messy bun at 5 in the morning before you have had your coffee and your dreams are still smudged under your eyes. love will love you if you are a size 0 or a size 100, love doesn’t give a shit about your lovehandles or your ribcage or your shoe size. love will love you when you are flat broke, when you are unemployed, when you can’t get out of bed. love is infinite, everything else is arbitrary.
be the person you love best so that you attract authentic kinds of love to yourself, so that you can be sure that the people you are surrounded by love you for who you are, and not who you think you need to be.
if your heart is whispering, “but what if no one loves the real me?” hold it gently and tell it that they will, they will love you, there will always be people who love you when you show the world who you are, because you are amazing. you are amazing and strong and i love you very much.
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).