i have always had a hard time understanding certain kinds of devotion to things, like religion or fitness or anything that appears (to an outsider) to dominate someone's life.
this weekend we found out that the rounds of chemo and radiation have been unsuccessful, and the cancer is proving to be more aggressive than ever anticipated as it has mutated and spread to other parts of your body. this weekend i began to understand why fitness has been such an important part of your life, and why some people turn to religion to cope.
in the face of one of the worst health situations you could possibly be facing, keeping your body fit and well fed is your weapon of choice in going to battle with cancer. it is the thing keeping you hopeful, and helping you feel like you have some power in a situation that can render you powerless so easily.
it is also an act of love, because in keeping yourself fit even through chemo and radiation and everything else, you are showing all the people you love the limits of what is possible. you are showing them how to stand up and fight, to refuse defeat. you are helping all of us build a greater foundation in ourselves for the future, because we will look to your example when the hard things happen, as there are without a doubt many more to come.
and i understand, within myself, why some people turn to god, because sometimes it feels so hard to get through the day when the pain is constant and senseless, when the list of bad things just seems to continue piling up on itself.
sometimes having faith that there is a greater reason for things than i could possibly fathom is the only thing keeping me from giving up completely. between faith and incredible friends & family, the unbearable becomes surprisingly easier to bear.