east van lesbian parties
i had a vivid dream last night for the first time in a long time.
MD was having a party at her house and there were so many east van hipster lesbians milling around everywhere. i arrived with V and went to change because we had just come off the ferry, but immediately lost my glasses and the dress i wanted to wear. i spent almost the entire dream wandering around the party trying to locate them.
at one point i was screaming at V for some reason related to not being able to find things, namely my glasses because not being able to see was giving me anxiety. i have no idea why but i threw a punch at him and caught him in the chin. it was fucked up and he was, obviously, extremely distressed. i felt guilty when i woke up, like i had actually done it. i think it was because we were talking about the fights we had around this time last year and how brutal they were (how brutal i was) and that subconsciously manifested into physical force in the dream.
later in the dream i was sitting in a bedroom alone, not wanting to be around people when i didn't feel attractive enough and couldn't see anyone well. K came into the room which wasn't surprising because she lives in vancouver now and probably already knows all of the east van lesbians. we were talking and it was awkward but fine until she leaned in and tried to kiss/cuddle me. for a half second that old feeling filled me and i wanted to reciprocate but then i thought about V and moved away from her.
i remember saying something like, "i love V and have for a long time; he's the person i plan to stay with. and i thought you were engaged?" she said something about how it wasn't going well and she missed me and the same old shit she always says. someone peeked in the door then and i took it as a cue to leave.
this showing up in my dreams is probably symptomatic of my fear of running into K now that she lives in van and having feelings come up again because i can never see her without feeling something and it makes me so angry. but ultimately, i don't want to put myself or V through that circus again. i hope i remember this if it ever comes up.
i never did find my dress or glasses in the dream, or my friends. for some reason i kept running into MD's east van friends over and over again, but nobody else i knew except V and K.