never ending grief
i feel the weight of my own crazy so heavily these days.
i panic when i think about you. i've cut off all contact with you. i feel overwhelmed by guilt at the fact that i can no longer interact with you. some days i feel like i have made it all up in my head and all of my feelings are sheer paranoia. i can acknowledge that this is a legitimate possibility given my general inability to think rationally. but also a gnawing part of me knows that i spent the last year making excuses for your horrifying behaviour, excuses for why i left most of the time we spent together feeling exhausted, psychically drained, and depressed.
what i thought was love and souls meeting was mostly just panic. we couldn't have been more poorly suited for each other and i feel jaded by my blindness.
i made poor choices. i bear the weight of them and the responsibility to do better next time.