fuck post modernism
everything feels heavy this week. i'm stuck in this place of "i don't know what's true" // "everything is perspective" (fuck post-modernism seriously)
i keep having nightmares about fighting with my sister. we cut off our relationship in july and it's still haunting me. i don't want her in my life//i feel guilt about not wanting her in my life//i know how to fix this but it requires being dishonest and i cannot bring myself to do it.
i'm also having these neverending recurring dreams about iceland. it's not really iceland, it's basically the gulf islands, but maybe my brain needs to make it feel farther away/more foreign. i'm always on my way to iceland, or drowning in the sea in a car halfway to iceland from canada, or sliding down enormous ice canyons that turn into waterfalls, which feels adventurous the first time but frightening in that willy-wonka-boat-scene way (the gene wilder version obviously) every time after.
am i the problem? or do i somehow attract people who are terrible? or is the problem that i don't think of myself as worth being around better people & don't seek them out? what even makes a person "better"? ugh. these are the questions keeping me up at night.