once i called you angel.
I was so angry with you and then, suddenly, I just couldn't be anymore. I'll admit I've been bitter for the longest time because I'm blind to how I make other people feel and it is easy to play the victim; I only ever want to see how people have hurt me.
It's convoluted. I can't be friends with you, it's too difficult; you're one of the most unique, interesting people I've ever met, and having you in my life was a gift I'll never have the sense to acknowledge. But the problem was that I always wanted you closer, I wanted to know the deepest darkest parts of your mind. I wanted to share those parts of my mind and know that it was mutual. I wanted you to trust me as much as I trusted you. Until I didn't anymore, until you were happier blowing me off all the time, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I'm not good at sticking around when I don't feel wanted but I'm sure you know that by now.
I keep expecting to see you on campus and if I'm honest, when I'm looking around and people-watching, mostly I'm looking for you. I miss having you in my life and I'm not too proud to admit it, but also I know that we'll never really be able to be friends. I need things from you that you can't give, and my neediness grates on your nerves. But I miss your mind and your thoughts, your insights, and the part where you know about a part of my life that no one I know now has any idea about. A part I miss talking about and haven't been able to because you were the only one that ever understood. And even still, although I think about it daily, I don't have a clue what I'd say to you if we did bump into each other.
If it means anything and if you care to know, I'm happier now than I ever was before and this past year has made a much better person out of me. If I am ever unhappy it is largely due to my own melodramatics and the problems I create where there are none. I love an amazing girl who really in the end is probably too good for me, and I can't believe how lucky I got in that regard. You'd probably like her; she's one of those no-nonsense people that doesn't bullshit or try to protect people's feelings ever. She is bluntly honest and sarcastically hilarious. And she loves me, shockingly enough.
This is a letter I'm not sure you'll ever read.