essentially, i'm a well-adjusted human being who has struggled to stay well-adjusted because human beings are judgemental and fearful of anything they don't understand.
when i look back on my adolescence i mostly just see a lot of darkness; a lot of misery and pain, interrupted by bouts of intense apathy. but at the same time, i feel lucky in a way. i cut myself for years, but i know people who have far worse scars from self-mutilation than i do, and i never struggled with eating disorders the way a lot of people in my situation would have. i managed to avoid being on any kind of psychological medication at any point in my depression, even after i tried to kill myself, and i'm strangely proud of that fact. brain meds freak me out, i don't want anything messing with my neurons. i like them the way they are, even if i can be really screwed up sometimes. i've seen the way those things can really change a person. my sister is on ativan now [and self-prescribed marijuana] for her anxiety disorder and although she's easier to be around now, some of the spark of her personality has gone out. the people she hangs out with now are societal sheep and she's slowly becoming just like them. it's depressing to watch, but at least she is happy. i don't think i could sacrifice myself like that just for a taste of contentment. but then maybe for my sister it wasn't much of a choice, she always struggled harder to communicate with people than i ever did.