red green gold
in the fall i feel these ghosts around me like the leaves, like the wind, like those impatient lonely snowflakes that drift and melt in the heat of the ground. i feel you here, my past, this cloud that surrounds and undoes my heart. you take out all the little stitches, all the buttons and zippers, open up all the compartments to lay all these secrets bare. you're the ghosts that knew me way before, in the wake of a different person and entirely different circumstances.
maybe you'll visit this fall, maybe you won't. maybe i'll see you but in the end i'm not sure i want to, i'm scared to know who you are now. i've never been a possessive person, not really, but when it comes to you i get so jealous. i wish i could say that it's just me trying to protect you but it's not - i can't deal with anyone being closer to you than i was. it didn't matter what the relationship between us was. everyone else could have your heart and body and whatever else, but i wanted your mind to be for me alone. maybe that's what ruined us, maybe i asked too much. but it was the price, the only thing. i just wanted to be the only person who really knew you, but maybe i knew you least of all.
i feel you like ghosts, like ghosts, like banshees all around. you're of another world now, a world i cut all ties to. the reminders linger though and this season is worst of all. remember chess in your living room, remember the porcupines on the lawn that time i stayed with you, remember the train station when you told me you'd probably be leaving and i thought probably really meant probably not until i found out it was your way of saying you were moving, remember open mic night and joel klettke and my crush on carson, remember your birthday and how hard i tried to make that night memorable, remember walking downtown and eating at nellie's and how you made fun of how i eat bagels. remember remember remember.
i just wanted flowers.