it is midnight in the house on prior street. i am by the window in thin slivers of lamplight, diving into tea and books about love. i am thinking endlessly about love in the house on prior street.
it is rare that i feel at home in new places so easily, but this is a place so utterly familiar to me that i cannot even question the ease with which i've adapted to my surroundings. this is home, however temporarily. more home than the place i have been living for the past six months, where i had no room to think at all in the chaos and mess that permeated everything.
here, i can breathe. i can lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about all the people i have loved and have wanted to love, all the ways in which my heart has loved continuously and multi-dimensionally in the years since i first became conscious of my ability to love. i have always been polyamorous, i have always lived a polyamorous lifestyle, regardless of what i called it or how hard i tried to seem monogamous. there have always been multiple loves in my life and some of my loves have constantly blurred the boundaries between friends and lovers and will continue to do so.
this has never been easy. i have never once loved in a way that was uncomplicated. new lovers have always had to contend with past lovers and jealousy has always made things a thousand times more difficult than necessary. i encounter so many people who want to devour my heart and claim it as their own, put it out of reach of any other grasping hands. but i cannot be claimed. i am not something to be owned, a trophy, an object, and i resist all forms of ownership in ways that have not always been respectful or useful.
i want to love in ways that allow my lovers to also love without restraint. to love in ways that do not require labels, definitions, limits. to love without jealousy, possession, control, manipulation. to move forward in life with an open heart. that's all.