solstice and death
10:52 p.m. on 2011-01-06
i guess lately i'm kind of messy, kind of all over the place and unfocused. i want to say that i'm always like this in the winter because it feels like a reoccurring theme, i suspect that my internal self for any given year dies sometime around winter solstice, leaving me to waffle about in confusion for at least a month trying to figure out who exactly i want to be for the next year, which parts i want to keep and which to discard. it's a terribly exhausting process and subsequently i have come to hate january. what to discard... i'm surrounded constantly by all of these intense feminists, because i am a women's studies student and not JUST a women's studies student but a Serious Academic Feminist in cahoots with other Serious Academic Feminists (cahoots is a real word. so is waffling. who knew?). sometimes it becomes stressful because it is a community that prides itself on its ability to constantly police the behaviours of its members. this is something i want to discard: i do not want to be some kind of moral police officer. i am not a clergy person. i just want to live my life doing the best i can to be what i consider a good person. i do not want to force others to adhere to the same kinds of standards. this is a really close-minded practice that i don't really agree with. it also forces me to take too seriously things that i think need to be approached with at least somewhat of a light heart. i don't necessarily always want to be a Serious Academic Feminist, i want to laugh and enjoy the people around me and not stress out about every problematic thing that comes up. this is the step forward i would like to take. what to keep... the parts of this same community that make me feel like life is worth living, like there are people out there who are coming from the same place i am. my re-commitment to vegetarianism. continuing to compost. continuing to buy organic and local whenever possible. loving my body, my self, the people around me. filling my life with love rather than bitterness. moving on from the people in my past who bring unnecessary burdens. opening myself to new possibilities. efforts to be kinder and not quite so grouchy and negative all the time. and this year i really need to find a job.
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