here's to no more obligatory sex
i feel so sane about this that it is blowing my mind.
what always fucks me up about feeling this way about someone is getting confused about the level of physical intimacy desired by either myself or the other person and i think that is what is different this time. because i've decided i don't want to be physically intimate with anyone, at least not until i've figured out how to better deal with my triggers. that it has nothing to do with my attractiveness or insecurity and everything to do with the fact that sex fucks me up and i don't want to have it until it doesn't do that anymore, or until i'm in a position to be honest enough with a partner about it to work through it. i feel okay about my fondness for you because our intimacy is purely emotional and lovely and not clouded by either of our sexual weirdness. i feel safe knowing that you don't want me in that way ever, that you don't need that from me. that is also part of what makes me feel this way in the first place, feeling so safe in a friendship that is so emotionally intimate without the uncomfortable atmosphere of sex, because it has occurred to me recently that sex isn't something i do with people i love, because i don't see it as a loving act, because it has been so predominantly traumatic for me.
i am a sexually awkward human, this has always been a thing. i think i have subconsciously sought out friendships that have had romantic qualities to them, and relationships that weren't romantic at all, for this exact reason. because i don't trust the love i receive from people who want me sexually, and i don't want to be sexual with the people i love.
the strange thing is that i stopped feeling upset about it as soon as this realization hit me. and that i think i can learn to heal from it and build romantic relationships that are non-sexual without being so one-sided in terms of the level of honest mutual romance.