i guess it never occurred to me that i would still feel so damaged by you, that my relationship with you has burrowed itself so deeply into my core that more than a year later i'm still having nightmares about it.
i have lost a sense of trust that was fragile to begin with before you even came along. i feel so awkward in my sadness because i can feel everyone around me wishing i would just be okay or at least hide it better.
i have been doing the same things since i left you: alternating between hiding out and drowning in my heart, and running away from feeling anything by obliterating myself with drugs and alcohol.
and yes it has been a crazy year full of lessons i have grown a lot from but at the end of the day i am the same sad, broken person i was a year ago. i still can't even be with anyone else because i can no longer imagine a relationship that isn't controlling, abusive and manipulative. i don't trust anyone not to treat me the same way you did and i don't trust myself not to let it happen again, because i still feel weak and stupid for loving you in the first place. for thinking i could eventually save you from yourself by being strong enough to take on your abuse.
i don't know how to love or even like myself when all i can ever hear in my head is your voice and the voice of every person who has ever bullied me pointing out all the shitty things about me, so much that even trying to have positive dialogue with myself feels like the weakest attempt at self-confidence, and even my lack of self-confidence is held against me, as if i have control over it at this point in my life, after an entire lifetime of verbal abuse from friends, family, peers and partners.
like fuck off. that i am even still standing is miraculous.that i can even for a moment find something to like about myself is precious, and if i am too often a sad, moody person, it is for good reasons, and i am tired of pretending to be okay.