TW eating disorders
i hate the place my mind gets into where it just thinks about the same things over and over and over again and can't let them go and it becomes this neurotic, panicky battle to try to move on from whatever it is i am upset by.
half of my friends have eating disorders (that i know of). i am surrounded by people who do not eat/puke up what they eat/compete with each other (subconsciously) over who has eaten the least today. i want this to not affect me beyond worrying about my friends but it has fucked up my eating habits. i have felt repulsed by food for months now; i don't like to think about eating and i avoid doing it as often as i can get away with and when i do eat, i eat so little or if i eat what would be a fairly normal amount to most people, i feel overwhelmingly gluttonous. i have fallen back into my bad habits of trying not to eat in front of people, or rebelliously eating in front of people just because the urge to not eat in front of people is so strong and i am desperate to not be controlled by it. i binge eat in the middle of the night when no one is around after having not eaten all day. my relationship with food/eating has gone back to being as fucked up if not more fucked up than it was in high school.
i have never been remotely thin. i was a fat kid, a fat teenager and i am a fat adult. being surrounded by extremely thin people who think they are fat to the point where they are terrified to eat is making me terrified to eat because if they see themselves that way, what must i look like to them? i feel disgusting, huge; i feel like everyone around me is judging what i eat and thinks i eat too much.
i don't know how to make it stop. being around people with disordered eating habits is always going to trigger mine. but i love my friendfamily, i don't want to give them up just because i am not strong enough to not being affected by what is going on with them. and what i really want is for all of us to not have this fucked up relationship with food; i want all of us to be able to look at our bodies with love, to not feel like our lives are so out of control that this is all we have to cling to. i want to know how to make this happen.