sludge and oil
i feel about humanity the way a mother cares about their wayward child: i love human beings so desperately and all i want is for them to realize their potential, to try just a little harder to be decent and kind and respectful. i love them so much that i begin to hate them for how they choose not to be better, how they choose to turn a blind eye towards all their inner evil and all the evils they see around them. i find it hard to be around them because all i can see are the racist, homophobic, bigoted, ignorant comments people make constantly. i feel as though i am dragging myself through the sludge of human ignorance and it is so exhausting. at the end of every day i feel so worn out by it. sometimes it makes me suicidal, sometimes i think it would be easier to swallow a lot of pills, fall asleep and just never wake up to it again, but at the end of the day i am too exhausted to even try.
sometimes i wish i wasn't so aware of it, all the daily evils that poison our lives, the times we choose to turn a blind eye, the ignorance and greed that permeate our culture. i hate myself and i hate everyone around me, but i don't want to. i just want to be able to love people like i used to, to have faith in their goodness.