i came here wanting to write about loss, about the people i've lost along the way. about how changing my principles has meant moving on from significant people and times in my life. thinking about writing about it just made me realize how petty it is to hang out to those things. my life would be so much simpler if i was able to move on emotionally as easily as i move on physically.
i burn bridges decisively but there are always ghosts hanging in the air between.
moving to lotus land has meant alienating myself from an incredible majority of the people in my life. i can't go home anymore without feeling homicidal. i can't connect to people who endure only the banality of life without accessing its tragedy and beauty simultaneously. i can't connect to those who are so wrapped up in their privilege that they don't realize how their actions are part of greater systemic oppression. but there is a striking sense of loss in knowing that all of the beautiful qualities of those people i used to love have become overshadowed by the intensification of my sense of morality and justice.
perhaps it would be easier to endure if in the act of loss, had i also transitioned on to new people who hold the same or similar values [as i've done in the past] but it hasn't been that simple. i'm still an outsider here, still edging along the fringes of a community i can't access. there are people i know, sure, but no one i feel significantly connected to. acquaintances, people i see at parties, not people i would call in the middle of the night when i'm crying and cutting myself and can't breathe.
i've never felt lonelier.
and if it weren't for the beautiful girl asleep in my bed right now, that loneliness would consume me completely.