Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
It's been one of those days where I feel kind of reckless, kind of self-destructive, like I'm tearing myself down from the inside out. Maybe it's all the pot I've been smoking lately, maybe it's just this weather. I keep reading these books about broken girls who reach rock bottom, find themselves doing coke or getting into prostitution because they can't handle dealing with feelings and it's a lot easier to just escape and self-destruct like a kamikaze taking out everything around you on the way down. Sometimes I just wish I was like that, able to let go and ruin everything, find myself in a completely surreal situation just to put all of this crap into perspective. Sometimes I just wish I were more interesting, let's be honest.
The worst thing about me is that I fucking like this feeling. That I feel more alive when I'm breaking myself down, when there's this feeling in my chest like I need to scream or hurt somebody.