i'd just been holding on until november. i've been telling myself for weeks now that it's all going to be okay, i just need to make it to november when you'll be here, and then it's only a month and a half until i go home after that. now you might not even be coming and i feel like i'm collapsing. christmas seems so far away that i can't even really conceptualize it, it's so different from thinking i was three weeks away from seeing you. i feel like the ground was pulled out from under my feet. i'm just so worried about you and i just wanted to see you because at least then i can hold you. when i'm so far away there's absolutely nothing i can do to help. i just want you to be okay, i'm hoping with everything in me that it's not something serious but i can't shake this fear in the back of my head of tumors and blindness and surgery.
i'm trying to keep hope, to keep busy, to keep going. i'm trying so hard to be strong and distract myself, to not get caught up in the sadness that i feel hanging on my back like a sticky shadow. it's so difficult lately not to take up the razor, it's all i want to do.
but i made a promise. and i intend to keep it.