maybe the truth is that i never really wanted you or this, that i just tried to convince myself i did because not wanting it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. that not wanting a relationship or my general lack of a sex drive made me feel even more strange than i already do.
i guess it's pretty normal to talk to the person you're dating every day but it's not what i want. i get bored so easily. the only way to maintain my interest is to either spread it out over time or constantly change the dynamic of the relationship. we never did either of those things. we talked about the same things every day and our dynamic was maintained. i even stopped enjoying the sex because i was so turned off by how bored i was.
i don't think i believe anymore that there is a "right" person out there and even if there is, i'm not sure it will be what i want. i'm too solitary a person to be in a relationship with someone and i just get irritable because of it. there are so few people i can handle spending consistent time with and generally they are people who consistently stimulate my mind. i have yet to be in a relationship with anyone who does that. i'm not a physical person unless i am first mentally aroused.
it's just easier to be single in a world where most people consciously avoid thinking too deeply about anything. how depressing is that?