my skin is crawling, i can't get warm, seven hours of coming down from e and my jaw is aching. i swam through a blue ocean of sky and all my friends were fish or anemones or sea turtles or urchins. the small space of the city unfolded before me and i felt so so small in it, a speck beneath the massive prairie sky. then the stars came out and the ocean slipped away, the fish turned back into my friends.
i wish i could feel that kind of love for everyone without being high on something, i wish i was that friendly all the time. all the things that make me mad about everyone just slipped away, it was a totalizing forgiveness. i met a man on a ledge who read to me about buddhism, he had a scraggly beard, i told him he was a wise fish. sober, i would never ever have spoken to him, i would have been scared to.
i want to reach out to people so badly but i never know how to do it until i'm intoxicated. i am so trapped inside my body and inside my head that everything just stays in and wears me down. it's so much harder to love people than it is to hate them, it makes you so vulnerable. i don't want to be so afraid to let people in.