I guess the thing about getting to know someone THAT well is that you aren't ever able to forget them afterwards. They'll never be a part of the faceless mass of people you encounter throughout your life; they become the only colored figures in an otherwise monochromatic painting. In a most true sense, you always keep the part of them you knew with you. And sometimes there comes a point in your life where you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it would be healthier for you to forget about them completely, you still struggle with the fact that it just isn't possible.
I've been thinking about K a little bit lately, and how even after all these years I still remember so much about him. And how, despite everything, he hasn't really changed at all. What changed was me and my attitude towards him, and I know that in this situation I was largely the catalyst for disaster. It was necessary disaster though, because I began to see in him things I hoped I would never again find in other people.
I also think that I've been keeping people at a distance lately [in comparison to how close I was to people like K, J, M and O] because I'm really afraid of getting involved with new people who will eventually leave. People who will leave me with pieces that I can't forget. On one level I crave the intensity of the friendships I had with K, J, M and O and how they were intense basically from the moment I met them, but on the other I don't think I'm able to open myself up right away like I was when I met them. I don't want to be so shut off but at the same time I think the barriers are necessary for my sanity.
Maybe it would be easier if I could remember all the good parts, instead of all the things that ended up hurting me in the end. Or if I could keep the negative events from tainting the positive ones with my own critical commentary.