i live in a body that eats feelings. before i can even mentally access the pit of feeling in my stomach, it is gone and i have moved on. i can't sustain emotion, only lasting impressions of feelings i'm supposed to be able to express.
i should be upset that a close friend wants nothing to do with me for no reason i can discern. i should be angry that you would stop wanting to be with me if i gained weight. i should be irritated that i traveled an hour today to see someone who forgot i was coming and subsequently wasn't there.
it's not as though i feel nothing, i just feel a shadow of what i think i'm supposed to be feeling. i feel generally apathetic and unwilling to let any of these things visibly upset me because they seem relatively trivial.
maybe because i spent so much of my life upset about various things that weren't really big enough to be upset about, i refuse to let myself be shaken by anything now but ultimate disaster. or maybe it is just that i am never upset about things when they happen; they always affect me later, when the aftershocks come, when reality sets in.
i think i'm in a constant state of denial. denying that anything is ever really wrong. persistent in moving on with my life no matter what happens.