i turn 26 next week
4am awake thinking about everything i have ever royally fucked up in my life but most especially all of the decisions i have made in the past year and all of the decisions i am now terrified to make because i can't handle the idea of making it worse.
i have a good job, i work from home surrounded by cats all day, i have a decent place to live and always enough food, i can afford to do go out and do things sometimes... why isn't this enough?
all of the relationships in my life are faltering. i don't want to leave my house, i don't want to see anyone, i feel sad about everything and no fun to be around. the farther i get away from people, the farther away i want to be. everything i used to enjoy has lost all of its colour.
i am deteriorating, collapsing in on myself.
i don't know which thing needs to be changed in order to set the other things back in place. i am afraid of changing anything because i feel like i might change the wrong thing and make it so much worse all over again.
if i could have anything at all in the world right now, it would be a month alone in a secluded place. a month without internet or people, just myself, something to write on, quiet. a place i could go for walks every day, eat healthy food, focus on healing without distractions, without other people's desires constantly interfering.