I don't even know what to think of last night. Lately it's becoming way too normal, these midnight toke sessions with my mother. The first time it was mind-blowing, to think that my mother could ever be so cool. The second time it was less shocking but more wicked, because I didn't think it would ever happen again. But now I'm wondering where the mother went and when she was replaced by this teenager. My mom is like that crazy aunt you have who tells you about sex when your mom won't, teaches you how to roll a joint and slips you drinks when you're fifteen. Which would be awesome if she were my aunt, but she's my mom. When I was little she played the role pretty well, doing all sorts of motherish things. But now that my sister and I are both pretty much adults, I guess she feels like she doesn't need to be that person anymore, and she really is eighteen at heart. Sometimes I just miss the mom part of her.
In other news, I have officially decided to lose fifty pounds before I start school next fall. I'm already eating healthier, and started taking those vegetable pills the naturopath gave me again [forgot to take them over Christmas and just didn't start up again until two days ago]. I've discovered the awkward joy of eating salad for breakfast, that warm feeling of knowing you're doing something phenomenally good for your body. I'm going to start exercising again this week as well, although I will sorely miss having J as my gym buddy.
I guess I'm just tired of being that fat girl, and finally feel like I have a good excuse to drop the weight. I also feel emotionally ready and responsible enough to take care of myself now. And to be perfectly honest... I have really high standards when it comes to dating, and I find that the people who fit my standards aren't necessarily looking for a bigger girl, and I can't say I blame them. If I don't find myself attractive, I don't expect other people to either. I don't intend on being stick thin either, I like my curves! But there is definitely a difference between fat and curvy. It would be wicked to be sexy, curvy and healthy.