all i write about is love
i guess the thing i forget all the time is that we can choose who we want to be and how we want to react to things.
i want to be the kind of person who shares, who has no sense of possessiveness. i want to be okay with sleeping with you and having cute interactions with you and also knowing that you are probably going to have similar interactions with some of my close friends, because i think we were brought together so that both of our social interactions could expand. i think i am meant to allow myself to work through all the complications of polyamorous community at this point in my life, starting with how i deal with this situation.
for some people, it is really easy to come to terms with the idea of living beyond normative terms of romantic relationships, because that is just how they have always understood the world. for me, it has always been such a struggle, because everything i have ever been faced with has been in complete opposition to how i feel things should be. i want romantic relationships without bounds, with my friends, with my not-quite-friends, with the people i am sexually involved with and the people i'm not. i want no sense of ownership of any other person or their interactions; i want to be okay with everyone interacting with whoever they feel they need to at any given time.
but i sometimes have a jealous heart, because i struggle to feel like enough. because i worry that if someone's attentions are not focused on me, it means i'm missing something, or not doing something right. my biggest struggle when it comes to polyamory is dealing with the long, long list of my insecurities and the way in which they can destroy my relationships/friendships before they even begin.
there is loving yourself and there is being secure in yourself and i think they are two very different challenges with very different processes. you can love who you are and still worry that other people do not love who you are. this is where i'm at right now: trying to accept the idea that others love who i am and that their love for other people does not affect their love for me.