WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME ENOUGH
YOU'RE AN EMOTIONAL FUCKING ROBOT AND YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND IT'S NEVER ABOUT WHAT I WANT AND CLEARLY YOUR IDEA OF HONESTY AND MY IDEA OF HONESTY ARE REALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT BECAUSE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED HIDING SHIT AND NOT TELLING THE WHOLE TRUTH IS THE SAME FUCKING THING AS LYING. WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SAY YOU WANTED TO SLEEP AROUND INSTEAD OF PLAYING IT OFF LIKE IT WAS MY IDEA, LIKE IT WAS OKAY FOR ME TO SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE? YOU JUST WANTED IT TO BE OKAY FOR ME SO IT COULD BE OKAY FOR YOU TOO. WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP THINGS NOW FOR HER THAT YOU WOULD NEVER GIVE UP FOR ME? WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES YOU THAT INDIFFERENT TO WHAT I WANT, WHAT I NEEDED, WHAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME? WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE ACTED LIKE YOU CARED, WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE LOVED ME ENOUGH TO CARE? I HATE HOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AT ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER OPEN WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND I HATE THAT YOU TELL EVERYBODY ELSE EVERYTHING AND LEAVE ME OUT OF THE LOOP EVEN THOUGH A MONTH AGO YOU CLAIMED I WAS YOUR EVERYTHING, YOU LOVED ME. WHATEVER. WHY COULDN'T I JUST HAVE BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? AND WHO THE FUCK BREAKS UP WITH SOMEONE AT THEIR BIRTHDAY PARTY, AFTER SLEEPING WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AND LISTENING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND CRY ON THE PHONE ABOUT IT? WHO THE FUCK BREAKS UP WITH SOMEONE AT THEIR BIRTHDAY KNOWING THAT THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE BEING STUPID AND DRUNK WHEN THEY'RE ALREADY REALLY FUCKING UPSET? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHO THE FUCK HAS SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE RIGHT AFTER BREAKING UP WITH THE PERSON THEY'VE SPENT THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS CLAIMING TO LOVE? WHO IS COMPLETELY UNAFFECTED BY THE PAIN OF SOMEONE THEY CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS AT ALL.
i want to not be mad at myself for this anymore, i want to not be scared that no one will ever really love me enough because i'm this fucking unloveable mess of a person not to mention completely unattractive and weird and in general unwanted, undesired. i'm always going to be the inbetween girl, the girl other people make do with when they can't get anything better. i just wish i hadn't fallen in love this time, i wish i could have kept myself at a distance when i knew this was how it would go down. i'm not good enough for anyone.