what it feels like to be a ghost
everything reminds me of you and it sucks, i want to not hurt this much anymore.
maybe my reactions right now seem really cold; they probably do. i needed to blame you for everything for a couple of days because i wasn't really ready yet to see the part i played. right now i need a clean break from everything because otherwise i won't be able to deal with it.
i know i was mean to you sometimes, i know i hurt you and demanded too much and got mad about really fucking stupid things. i feel so bad about it all the time, you don't even know. and every time i tried to make it up to you and fix things and not get mad but i get set off so easily, i don't know why everything bothers me so much. part of it is that i needed things from you that you just weren't able to give me, and vice versa, you needed things i couldn't give you. and we tried to make it work but just ended up fighting all the time and i'm sorry for that, i'm sorry for dragging it out. it's just that i loved you and even though i wasn't always happy i didn't want to lose you. i wanted to treat you better, i wanted you to be able to treat me better, and it wasn't about that so much as we just have really different ideas of what that means. i'm sorry things went down the way they did, it sucks so bad, and i hate how humiliated i still feel. but i always said i'd rather it be me that got hurt and i stick by that, i could never intentionally hurt you.
right now i really wish i could talk to you just so you'd know this, but i know you won't want to talk about it right now. i know you're right that we're not meant to be together, it just doesn't make it hurt any less, you know?