Those that teach us the most
I had a dream about her last night. Or, not really about her persay, she just happened to be in it. It was a weird dream in general, involving a giant jungle gym-like structure inhabited by a lot of people strung out on psychedelics [my dad was the king of these people, weird much?], a purple building that was apparently supposed to be Sephora, and a classroom built on a slope [all the desks had to be nailed down so they wouldn't slide into the blackboard]. She was in the classroom part - there were a bunch of us just hanging out and talking, and then she wandered in and sat down behind me. I had this feeling in my stomach like I'd been punched, that breathless kind of sick feeling. The same feeling I get whenever anyone talks about her or mentions her name in passing.
She was the first person I'd ever met that shut me out like that, the only friend I'd ever had that wouldn't let me get at all close. I've experienced that with people who weren't my friends, obviously, but never from someone who was supposedly among my inner circle. I didn't realize, until I met her, how important it was to me that I surround myself with people who are able to be open about themselves and able to accept my openness. All I ever wanted from her was that kind of honesty, to be able to talk about things on a deeper level instead of remaining on the surface. She just wasn't that kind of person, wasn't capable of being open in that way. I can accept that now and understand that it's just part of who she is, but at the time it felt like a insult. I took it a lot more personally than I should have, in retrospect. It just hurt to feel like there was somebody who couldn't trust me enough to be honest with me.
There's one thing I want to say