coward love, i'm a fucker
She wrote "But I usually just turn off the light" and for some reason this really struck a cord in me, I could see it happening, can see what we're becoming. There's no we yet though, it's just a premonition of how I know I'll be, scared to feel anything real for you or to reach out for what I really want. Too often lately I fall prey to the simplicity of apathy, how easy it is to not care about anything. Your heart remains whole when you lack the energy to invest it in anything, and although I dread admitting it, I'm truly and absolutely terrified of having my heart torn up and handed to me on a platter again. You can only go through that so many times before you start protecting yourself by just never feeling a thing for anyone or anything. I erased passion from my life in order to find safety in mild emotions, like the pastel versions of real feelings.
I like this girl. Part of me really wants that easy emotion to turn into something intense, difficult, passionate, interesting. The other part is really scared I might be leading her on, because the chance of me chickening out on her again is really high. I'm a fucking coward when it comes to love, and I'm really good at destroying the early bud of deep feelings. It has basically been my life's work, drawing people into my mess and then cutting them loose when I realize, once again, that I am too fucking cowardly to deal with relationships. This is insecurity and how it destroys my life, just so you know.
I am destroyer, I am lover.